WHEN SHE WAS: Buffy's Diary
by electricspacegirl
Summary: Buffy's diary played a key role in a few episodes of the show. Did you ever wonder what Buffy actually wrote in it? Here is a glimpse into Buffy's mind as seven years of events unfold. Get to know Buffy again from a different angle, starting in 1997.
1. Default Chapter

**When She Was  
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Diary entry #1

February 21, 1997  
Los Angeles, CA

Dear Diary,  
  
When I was 10 years old I used to pretend I was famous. I would skate in the rink imagining hundreds of people watching my flawless triple axils and cheering me on. I even fantasized about winning a gold medal. People would love me and I would get flowers thrown from the bleachers and everyone would chant my name while I smiled and I would blush and feign shock but secretly I would adore all the attention.  
  
Now I just want to be left alone. I'm famous but not in the way you would think. It's evil that knows my name. It's the thick, black Naughty that follows me around, trying to get my attention. But it doesn't want my autograph. It wants me dead.  
  
I used to be a cheerleader and I was popular. Boys liked me and I even had a boyfriend for a short time. His name was Pike and I saved his life once and then we started hanging out. Maybe it was all the dangerous things that happened at Hemery High that made the stuff between us kinda sexy, but we were really into each other for a while.  
  
Then we went to Las Vegas and that fell apart. I guess the Big Bad Guys that kept following me around sort of got too scary for him. Sure, fighting evil might seem exciting at first, but when it's all you do...it's kind of a drag. You know, I want to be able to watch movies with friends and go on dates and be like a normal girl instead of slaying vampires. Slaying is supposed to be my Destiny. I'm like the Chosen One and it's my duty and I'm the one girl in all the world and blah blah blah. Whatever. I just want to go to the mall.  
  
We are moving to a little town a couple hours away called Sunnydale. It's totally tiny but they do have nice stores and, if I have to, I can always get Mom to lend me the car. I'm thinking of getting a fresh start on life. I'm going to hang out with people who actually can walk around in the daylight, and I'm going to date boys again, and never pick up another book that wasn't written before the invention of sanity. I'm starting my whole life over from scratch.  
  
Yeah, I'm quitting the slayer gig. I totally resign. No more stakes or late nights in the cemetery, and no more blood stains I can't explain to Mom. The stupid Stodgier's Council can find another Chosen because I'm done. I'm officially, as of now, un-Chosen. I'm a brand new Buffy. Starting now._  
  
Buffy Summers_


	2. Entry 2

**When She Was  
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Diary entry #2

March 4, 1997  
Sunnydale, CA

Dear Diary,  
  
New town, new school. Oh, crap, this really bites. See, I don't know what it is with evil and me...I think I have a beacon that leads all the Bad Guys straight to me. I'm like a vampire magnet or something. Nobody told me that was part of the Slayer Employment Plan. I mean, where is my medical, my vacation pay? Hell, where is my PAY?  
  
Ok, so I tried to quit. Well, I quit for a week anyway. I went to my first day at Sunnydale High, I made a few friends, met some stuffy tea-and-crumpets British guy who turned out to be "My Watcher", and then I lost a couple friends (one died and the other was a bitch), killed a bunch of vampires, saved the rest of my friends from becoming snacks, and got a new Watcher.  
  
Here's how it went:ACCOSTED BY WATCHER

He threw a book at me! A really old book and it was all dusty and stuff and it didn't even spell the word "vampire" right! He gave me the whole "Chosen One" speech which I'd heard a MILLION TIMES from Merrick (R.I.P.) and could recite in my sleep. Yeah whatever. Take your tweed and go, Mr. Giles. Go watch someone else. Ex-Slayer here and not changing my mind.  
  
NEW FRIEND FOUND MY STAKE

His name is Xander and he's really funny but has goofy hair.

DEAD GUY FOUND IN LOCKER

Vampires. In Sunnydale. Big time. Need I go on?

WILLOW

She's totally nice. I like her. I saved her life and we hung out and I gave her advice about boys. Not necessarily in that order.

SLAYER ALERT

Does everyone in this town know who I am by now? I guess it beats the cost of advertising.

ANNOYING HOT GUY IN ALLEY

This guy gets on my nerves. His name is Angel and hey, he's quite the honey. You know, like weak-in-the-knees-and-fan-my-face gorgeous, but I didn't have the heart to tell him he has a girl's name. And does he have to keep creeping up on me like that? He's lucky I didn't accidentally stab him with my stake.

VAMPIRES RUN RAMPANT

Ok, I'm going to have a talk with my mother. Of all the places we could have moved, she had to pick Vampire Central? And how many high school gyms am I supposed to NOT burn down? Why couldn't we have moved to like Paris or something? I bet there are no vampires in France.

SAVED EVERYONE'S LIFE (ALMOST) BUT NOW XANDER WANTS TO FIGHT INCUBI AND SUCCUBI

You can't save everyone. I didn't know Jesse very well and I'm sad and all, mostly for Xander, but I don't know what to feel about it. It's like death is this constant thing in my life. I fight things that kill. I fight them so they won't kill me and other people. I can't be everywhere at once, you know. I'm only ONE Slayer.  
  
Which leads me to my next request. Why can't the Council make new Slayers? Wouldn't it be cool to have like an army of Chosens, fighting evil for me so I could go to the mall?

THE EARTH IS DOOMED

Fine by me, as long as I can go to the movies and take long bubble baths at night. Sunnydale kind of sucks. Like, literally.  
  
But at least I have some new friends. I'll go slaying tomorrow. Tonight I'm calling Willow.  
  
Goodnight Diary,  
Buffy Summers


	3. Entry 3

**When She Was  
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Diary entry #3

April 7, 1997  
Sunnydale CA  
  
Dear Diary  
  
Today was totally crazy. You wouldn't believe it if I told you. Or maybe it's clear by now that my life is so many things but normal. Nothing about anything is normal anymore.  
  
Can I just take a break? Can I just flip a switch and freeze the world for a moment? In the last month I have seen a woman switch bodies with her daughter, a gigantic bug trying to seduce Xander and eat his head, and a group of kids channeling the spirit of hyenas, one of them being Xander, who made Willow cry and actually _sniffed_ me. That's taking "men are dogs" way too far.  
  
Oh, and not to mention the legions of vampires that I've had to deal with. But, you know, that's nothing new. Vampires I can handle. Not that I want to handle them or anything. I just know how. They're a piece of cake (well, maybe not the reclusive Master because he's all mysterious and his friends can't stop telling me how big and evil he is, which I am starting to suspect is all talk). You just hit them with flying kicks, avoid their moves, and aim your stake at their hearts. Easy as...very evil pie.  
  
But all the other Hellmouthy stuff is weird. Giles wasn't kidding. Xander's still waiting for the Succubi. I think he's actually looking forward to that one. Don't even ask.  
  
I have to mention Owen. He is like so cute and...deep. I liked him and all but...I can't even say it. It's just wrong. Ok, I'll say it.

Remember A? After that whole deal with the fork dude I saw A at The Bronze. He had let me wear his leather jacket and I still had it and was trying to give it back to him but he just said "It looks better on you" and walked away. But he looked back at me and there was something in his eyes. It was like dangerous and suffocating and hot and cold all at the same time. I felt a heat come over me starting from the center of my stomach and I could hardly breathe. It was for just a few seconds but it was the longest few seconds of my life. What is it about this guy? He's probably like 20 years old and I'm 16 and he would never go out with a girl my age and I'm sure he has tons of older women falling at his feet and...  
  
I can't help what I feel. I can't help what a hunk A is and I can't help that his eyes are penetrating and that when we are together everything around us goes dim and we are the only ones there and...  
  
And so when I met Owen I wanted it to be him. I wanted a normal boyfriend from a normal high school in a normal world. I wanted something to make sense. Nothing else does. Not A, not my mom and dad getting a divorce, and definitely not slaying vampires every single night of my life.  
  
So Owen was it. He was the key to everything. But when he experienced the danger that is my life he wanted more. I realized then that it wouldn't work. Willow and Xander and even Giles, they know the score. Owen was practically lunch on stick for the vampires and there is no way I'm helping him die.  
  
Giles said something that really made me think. It was all this stuff about Destiny and how being a Watcher was his Destiny and I suddenly realized what being a Slayer really is. It's like a promise. By being a Slayer I promise to help people. I'm like really important. And I hadn't thought about it in that way before.  
  
Oh, and we totally killed the stupid Anointed One. There's no use going into that because it's just another one of The Master's minions. I hope that by slaying all his friends, The Master finally gets the message. I'm coming for him next.  
  
Oh, and A is so not even on my mind anymore. Oh, wait. Darn it.  
  
B


	4. Entry 4

**When She Was  
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Diary entry #4

April 15, 1997  
Sunnydale CA  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I didn't lose my virginity. That's the big headline for today. Ok, it's not like I was planning on losing it. I'm not a big slut or anything. But I'd been hanging out with Angel a lot more and...we got close. I have never felt this way about anyone before. Kissing him was so amazing. Time like totally stopped and everything. Oh, yes, I kissed him. And he had his hands on me...oh, no, not THERE, just, you know, ON ME.  
  
Ok, I'll start from the beginning.  
  
There were these 3. Three vampires. That's like Three with a capital 'T'. They were sent to me by the Master, who, I have to say is the creepiest vampire EVER, and I haven't even seen him! He's like stuck in the Hellmouth and can't get out. Don't ask me why, it's some kind of mystical vortex thingy.  
  
ANYWAY, so The Master (who, by the way, really needs a scarier and less egotistical name, maybe like...Cujo or something) sent The Three to kill me. I had to save Angel from them (or so I thought) and we ran away. And then I found out that The Three offered up their unlives to the Master if they couldn't kill me! How lame is that? Easiest. Slay. Ever.  
  
So I was nursing Angel's wounds (ok, it wasn't as hot as it sounds) and patching him up and I let him spend the night on my floor. And oh my god, he was so nice. He asked to sleep on my floor. He didn't even try to touch me or anything. Sigh.  
  
So the next day after school he was still there. We were talking and I thought he read you. I was like, "You read my diary! I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about a foreign exchange student!" And it turns out he hadn't read my diary at all like I thought, my mom had just moved it. How embarrassing! Buffy opens mouth, inserts foot. I probably sounded so pathetic.  
  
But I guess Angel didn't care, because after that we were talking more and things got intense. Angel has these eyes that can look right through you. When he looks at me like that, I just melt. I was melty Buffy all over the place.  
  
And then he kissed me. And the world just. Stopped.  
  
I can't even describe how it felt. It was like...ok, I kissed a couple guys before, but they were high school guys. Angel is...he's a man. And he doesn't NEED things like high school guys do, if you know what I mean. Boys are like, needy and horny and blechy. Angel is older and wiser and he has all that contained, but when it's suddenly all surfacy...WOW.  
  
Wow. I can't even say anything other than wow. Words just kind of ruin stuff anyway. I have this feeling...it's like I'm flying. I'm not even me, I'm like another Buffy...or maybe I'm not even Buffy at all, because I've got wings and I'm all floaty and content and tingly. That's the way it felt kissing Angel. Well, until he vamped out, which ruined EVERYTHING!  
  
Oh, yes, VAMPED OUT. Angel's ONE OF THEM! Oh my god, I freaked. I screamed and mom rushed in but by then Angel had disappeared out my window. He like flew or something, he was totally gone. Used those super powers of the Evil Undead and all. Man, and I totally protected him and nursed him and bandaged him and not to mention INVITED HIM INTO MY HOUSE!  
  
Angel's a vampire. I think I need to check my back for a sign that says "I LIKE VAMPIRES". I swear I'm sending out signals or something. Maybe it's like Slayer signals. Like, the same way I can sometimes sense vampires (ok, yeah, gotta work on that), vampires can sense me. Ok, _creepy_.  
  
And now I don't know what to do. I think I'm...in love...with...a...  
  
Uh oh, I have to go. Mom just walked in.

Later,  
B 


	5. Entry 5

**When She Was  
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Diary entry #5

April 16, 1997  
Sunnydale, CA  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Angel is a vampire. He's an actual blood-sucking vampire. It's still difficult for me to believe. He was so nice to me. He gave me a cross and he helped me with Master info and he kissed me and...it doesn't make any sense. Was it some kind of evil fraternity prank? Like, was Beta Delta Vampire having pledge week? Get the Slayer to fall in love with you so she's all vulnerable and then RAWRRR, get all bitey on her?  
  
I'm totally crying. Why am I crying? Why do I care? He's just...evil. He's not any different than anything that I've ever turned into ashes before...or so I thought.  
  
Apparently, gypsy curses are not just for fairy tales and scary stories. A long time ago Angel killed the wrong girl and it turned out that her family was this powerful gypsy clan and they cursed Angel with his soul. Not too bad as curses go, I think. But Angel said he lived for years tortured by the guilt of what he had done for a hundred years as a soulless thing. He looked really upset when he told me about it. I guess it's been a horrible existence for him.  
  
Part of me feels sorry for him but another part of me doesn't. It's like, he was this monster in Europe, and he became a legend. Watchers wrote books about him. I don't even want to think about the things he's done. It hurts too much. It hurts in a place deep inside me that I didn't know existed.  
  
I guess this means he's probably had sex before. I don't even want to think about that.  
  
Anyway, so after I found out what he was I went to kill him. I didn't want to. I mean, I did and I didn't. It's so complicated. The thought of stabbing a stake through Angel's heart...it would feel like I was stabbing one through mine. Just imagining doing that sucks all the air out of me. Deciding to slay Angel made me feel like something really important left my body, and I was just a ghost or something.  
  
But I grabbed my crossbow and headed to The Bronze to dust him. It's my job. I'm the Slayer and I can't just back out just because I have fuzzy feelings for a vampire, which I shouldn't have anyway. I was starting to think there was something really wrong with me.  
  
So, Angel was there and that's when he told me the gypsy story. Then Darla, one of the Master's Minions, showed up and it turns out she's the vampire who turned Angel! Man, I wanted to kill her just for that. But it was Angel who did it. And he didn't even blink. He just killed her and then he left.  
  
Later I saw Angel at The Bronze and we decided not to see each other again. It obviously wouldn't work. I mean, hey, slayer and vampire? Talk about incompatibility. So we agreed to stop pursuing it, but then we kissed, which surprised me. It's like when we're together we can't control ourselves. It feels as if there's this electric current running between us and the closer we are physically, the stronger that current is.  
  
That kiss lasted forever. But now I have to go on with the _actual_ Forever, without him. I walked out of The Bronze and touched the cross necklace he had given me the first time we met. It was burning hot.

I'm still crying.

_Buffy_


End file.
